Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
