I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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