She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
