apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
