Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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