Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
