i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
