Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
