I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
