I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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