we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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