I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
