Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
