I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I would ride that face into the sunset
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
