I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
