I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
