This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
