There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I skipped work to stalk him.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
