Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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