i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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