Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
