That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
