Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
