Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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