wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
