So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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