I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
