He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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