I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
