Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
