Jerry, you need to find god
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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