I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
