It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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