my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
