he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I AM VODKA MAN
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
