She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
