meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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