I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He had one of those small greek statue penises
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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