Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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