One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
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She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize