Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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