i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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