Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
