God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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