Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
