I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
