I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
