the condom got lost in my hair
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
