I want to make a zoo with you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And then my night got REAL pukey
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
