So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
