saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
be right there i have to get my cape
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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