Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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