I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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