Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
