The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
