Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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