Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
